so, today i dropped off my daughter at school and i wound up behind a s.u.v. with a handicap license plate while waiting to exit the child drop off area. the passenger door of the s.u.v. opened up and out came a nicely dressed teenage boy. he was fumbling with some book sacks and just kinda standing there waiting for something. naturally, i became a little impatient but i just went back to listening to my music. the something he was waiting for was, what i assume to be his handicapped brother. the nicely dressed teenage boy put the book sacks on his brother and guided him to the sidewalk that led to the school. the handicap brother waved to the s.u.v. as it drove off slowly, reassuring them in the vehicle, that he was ok, kinda almost a wave like, leave me alone, i can handle this.
the first thought that came up was, i know why he is handicapped, re-born from a past life of suffering. that is when i began to cry with tremendous sadness, this sadness then turns into tremendous anger. the anger turns into questioning, why the fuck does this have to be this way, why, why, why?
i then tell myself that i am just objectifying, i need to just be the observer, then that Oneness comes in, rescuing me but this is fleeting just as everything else and the cycle just continues. the ego comes back, more anger, more questioning. like everything, this all pases and then i begin to ask for forgiveness for being so ignorant.
these cycles that i call sad,mad, and then glad come and go and all stems from me seeing my past lives and objectifying what i see around me. like they say, experience is everything and real compassion stems from suffering. the way the Buddhist scriptures are written, they make it seem like seeing your past lives is a great achievement. Well that is a bunch of fucking bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is not fun knowing this. it is like a curse but i know it is all part of this —– happening —– what is to be.
like i have said before, i am extremely grateful for been given sooooooooooooo many opportunities to finally know That which Is but it sometimes saddens me greatly :_( :_( :_( :_( when i look around and know what they (the seen and unseen) are missing out on. but, then again, i know that all will have their chance in the sun or hmmmmmmm, more like have their chance being the sun.
so it goes, it is all good. :-) :’-) to think that i was supposed to spend the night reading study material for a personal training certification. lolol hehehe hahaha. maybe tomorrow.